WAL-MART AS A CIRCLE OF HELL
December 22nd 2009
i think that wal-mart is one of the circles of hell.
Not metaphourically, but literally a circle of Hell. Once you cross through that little area between the two sets of doors, where the vending machines live, you're venturing into the lands of the Damned. Here, unfortunate people toil in plastic fields under a fluorescent sun for an unseen entity. Undisciplined in life, they now wander through this billion dollar bardo in a dream-like obliviousness, unaware, even, of their own personal space and surroundings. In time, their bodies begin to warp and mutate, as their minds dissolve.
In true hell fashion, you can indulge in every vice... except pornography, of course, leaving some of these poor bastards feeling a little like Henry Bemis. Otherwise, every distraction vies for your mumbling attention, calling out in colours and affordable trends, thanks to the Damned of another land.
The Damned can often serve as obstacles to the rare individual who attempts to lucidly navigate his or her way through Wal-Mart. These adventurers are known as Wallynauts (a portmanteau, derived from the Old German name for Wal-Mart, Wallyweralt, and the Greek nautes, meaning sailor), or in some quarters Walnauts, though the latter has only come into recent use, favoured by the "kids today."
Wal-Mart can be dangerous for Wallynauts, but like Heracles or Orpheus, or even like Baron Münchhausen, the call to adventure, or the need to obtain some rare artifact is often too great to keep them from ever crossing over. While it can be treacherous, it can also be a lot of fun, and the rewards can be great. Even at its most perilous, though, the wayward traveler may find unexpected help in the form of one of the many Psychopomps throughout the store.
The Psychopomps of Wal-Mart are intermediate beings, caught somewhere between the Damned and the Wallynauts- although generally lucid and willful, they remain condemned. Their primary task is that of a guide, but they may carry out other objectives issued by the Demiurge. You should approach them with caution, while keeping in mind that they may not be inherently malicious or deceitful. There is a rumour that the Psychopomps are Wallynauts who were unable to escape, or who willingly became Psychopomps, but this has not been proved.
If you choose to venture into the depths of Hell, beware. Do not lose yourself among the Damned. Beware that the loss may be subtle at first, and though the Damned may finish shopping and cross back into our world, receipt in hand, they never really leave Wal-Mart.