WHY OBESITY SHOULD BE EMBRACED
October 17th 2006
you know what? let's just forget about 4th meal, ok? 4th meal is for losers. instead, why don't we all just quit our jobs and devote our lives to eating? let's just eat. all the time. 4th meal, 5th meal, 6th meal... yeah, we're renaming the days of the week. what day is it? oh, it's 3rd meal, ok, cool. let's just eat chicken and steak all the time, and chicken fried steak and steak fried chicken, steak fried steak, and fried steak fried fried with a side of fried chicken glass of fried... can we fry water? let's do that. forget the obesity "epidemic," let's just fully embrace it. a new way of life, a brand new crispy gold religion. make way for the homo superiour... (i mean, you have to, we'll be the size of small planets).
under the new Order:
you no longer need clothes. food will allow your body to provide it's own coverings. in many cases, the human body will become so abstract, previously naughty bits won't even be recognizable. not that it matters- a nation of bed ridden people can't even go outside to be publicly nude. spend your clothes budget on food.
you no longer need emotions. food will express everything you need to say, think, or feel. you no longer need therapy. spend your money on food.
you no longer need the internet. there's nothing left to say, and your hands are full of food, anyway. you no longer need cell phones, you can't communicate via mouth anymore because of food. develop new ways to communicate or don't, it doesn't matter so long as you are eating. use your internet and cell phone monies for food.
you no longer need tv. you've become so fat that even your eyelids are fat, and you can no longer keep them open. watching tv is pointless. you can't listen to it either because the fattened sides of your head actually drip down over your ears, drowning out nearly all sounds. spend your cable fees on food.
also you don't need new music and you don't need to (and can't) see movies anymore, or play video games. spend your entertainment budget on food.
no more foreign campaigns or war due to inability to fight or work results in a majour drop in taxes. spend this extra money on food. as a bonus, no one wants to come anywhere near your country due to increases in methane and decreases in showering, which results in a negation of immigration and a surplus of natural resources.
you now have a great abundance of time. your religion is food, your god is food, your business is food, your activities are food, sleep has been replaced by food, entertainment is food... because of this, you've increased your free time by several hundred percent. free time also equals food, which further increases your free time. you are now able to pursue all of your hobbies, which all equal food now, which allows you to take on more hobbies and enjoy more free time. it won't matter if you die before you reach 25, because you'll feel like you've lived for hundreds of years. so you might even say that this new Order creates a society of demi-immortals, even if it is only a matter of perception. this longer life allows you to earn more money. spend your vast wealth on food.
images of jesus will have to be altered. 400 pounds will be added to his formerly thin body, and the cross will be replaced with two intersecting french fries. small scale replicas of this image will of course be edible. also, a fat jesus represents prosperity. fat jesus will be pleased with his new, more accurate image, and thus rain greasy delicious smelling prosperity down on his followers. increased prosperity = more food. also more money, which can be spent on food.
this new Order creates a utopia of unfathomable girth. Utopias create happier people. happier people are more productive. these production increases equal more food. more food creates more utopia, which creates more food, so, you see, it's an endless cycle. the new Order creates an infinitely upward spiral into Greatness.