GI JOE: COBRA INDUCES GLOBAL WARMING IN THE 80'S
2003
I watched a second episode. In this one, reports had it that the Northern Lights were not turning off, and the result of this would be the polar icecaps melting and flooding the planet. Naturally, GI Joe is sent to investigate the mysterious occurrence, and they will be traveling with a group of scientists. One of the scientists is an upper middle age afrikan-amerikan woman who has a blatant disliking for the Joes... and as soon as she walked into the scene and spoke her first word, i thought "that's obviously the Baroness."
Of course, the Joes couldn't hear me, and of course they were too dumb to figure it out.
The group heads north, and they take some snow-region oriented Joe with them. Iceburg, i think his name was. So, it's Iceburg, Flint, Lady Jaye... and i think that was it, really. Some stuff happens, they fight a bear, and their vehicle starts running around with no driver, which the Baroness-in-disguise attributes to the ionization in the air from the Northern Lights.
It's amazing how easily the Joes are duped. it's enough to make me think that some foreign group was behind all of this, portraying allegedly highly trained amerikans as inept fools who can't identify their own worst enemies when they're standing right in front of their faces waving a Cobra banner around and chanting "Cobra, Cobra, Cobra... Cobra is so good! i love Cobra, tail and fang and hood!" then proceeding to introduce themselves as members of Cobra.
The predictable happens as the real upper-middle-aged afrikan-amerikan scientist woman is found tied up in a cabin. The Baroness reveals herself to the Joes and they get tranquilized and captured. Let me take a minute to go out on a tangent. The Baroness is where it's at. Screw Lady Jaye and Scarlet and Zartan's punk sister. the Baroness has it going on, what with her tight black clothes and long black hair and those glasses... those glasses may have been kind of big, but she made them sexy. plus she had that accent... what isn't to love about the Baroness?
Anyway, she reveals herself by taking off her completely realistic upper-middle-aged afrikan-amerikan scientist mask... also revealing that she was somehow wearing her glasses beneath the mask. Explain to me how this works. Wearing glasses UNDER your mask would definitely be noticeable. For one, you would have the shape of your glasses poking weird edges in the skin around your eyes, and for two, you would have GLASS under your eyelids.
Come on! GI Joe doesn't notice that this chick has GLASS underneath her eyelids, covering her eyes? Sure, i'm not nearly as highly trained as the Joes, but even i would be able to point that out as "weird." Stupid.
Iceburg isn't captured with Flint and Jaye. He rolls over on some tranqs while fighting some Cobra thug and wanders off into the snow. Somehow, he manages to prevent himself from passing out, but eventually collapses only to be rescued by a random native amerikan who has a fetish for traveling through snowstorms late at night on his sled. He takes Iceburg back to his cabin and strips him down to his knickers, and then he and his family sit around watching the unconscious Iceburg twitch and mutter about Joe.
Back at the Cobra base, which is this massive construct that any satellite should have been able to point out (which further leads me to believe that the Joes have no serious government or military backing), Destro does some talking, and i notice that when Destro talks, his mouth moves. The thing is, he's wearing a iron mask. He's wearing an iron mask, and the lips of the mask move when he talks...
The Joes are suprised, somehow, that Cobra was behind all of this "dah, Cobra! of course, we should have known." Yes, Flint, you stupid bastard, you SHOULD have known. How many times have we been through this?
The weird native amerikan figures out that Iceburg is talking in radio codes, so he calls the Joes up and explains the situation. They plan a huge offensive involving planes, but Firefly had sneaked in and mixed all of their jet fuel with acid, causing all of the planes to explode and crash into the base. Firefly, by the way, infiltrated the Joe base by burning a hole into their fence with acid, which serves to point that the GI Joe base has little to no security, which further leads me to believe that they have no government or military backing.
Duke confronts Firefly as he's escaping through the fence, but Firefly, who is standing not 6 feet from Duke, tosses a grenade right into the space between them. Luckily for Duke, and the idiotically suicidal Firefly, the grenade was a non-shrapnel non-explosive grenade which only produces a small wall of fire between the two men. Firefly escapes.
In all of this chaos, the Joes realize that Lady Jaye's personal jet is the only one with very little acid in the fuel, and so they send Ripcord out to rescue Iceburg. Ripcord. he's the GI Joe who's sole specialty is parachuting. Lame. He flies in with no weapons, bails out of the plane as the acid causes the plane to explode, and gives Iceburg some kind of anti-tranq-overdose medicine.
While all of this nonsense is going on, Flint and Jaye lure the guard back by singing "From the Halls of Montezuma," and then they knock him out and escape. Then Flint goes crazy and flips the machine causing the Northern Lights to stay on to FULL POWER, which Jaye thinks is a good idea, and i think is a horrible idea. He does it anyway. the ice begins to melt and the entire Cobra base begins to sink into the slushy depths.
Duke and the rest of the Joes somehow managed to get there by this time via HOVERCRAFTS, which is absurd. I am supposed to believe that they cruised down the highway in hovercrafts all the way from their base to the icy north in under 5 minutes? The ice keeps melting, and all of the Cobra tanks sink into the slush while duke laughs at them and boasts that "HOVERCRAFTS DON'T SINK!!!"
They rescue Jaye and Flint, and everything is okay. Then a polar bear climbs aboard their hovercraft and falls asleep. The end.
We never find out what happened with the native and Ripcord and Iceburg.