DEAR REMY
sometime in 2002
Dear Remy,
There used to be this kid, and his name was Remy. He lived at home with a dog he named "Kung Fu." Remy liked to wear loose fitting pants, and eat peanut butter straight off the knife. He didn't like to be criticised, and often shuffled around barefoot. Remy didn't like listening to music unless Kung Fu was around, because when he was by himself, Remy could hear people talking in the music. Not singing, really, but talking. People who weren't even in the band would just blurt messages out at Remy, and this made him paranoid. He didn't have to worry about that when Kung Fu was nearby, though.
Sometimes, Remy liked to pretend he was an alien, and he would eat styrofoam cups and plates, but no one ever understood why. He would say it was because he is barefoot, but that probably wasn't the case. Remy liked to think that Kung Fu was a large, magic fish, that was capable of living on land, and that the two of them were actually pirates, looking for some forgotten goldmine in the hills to the west of his town. Kung Fu grew obese, eating too much garbage, because Remy never found the goldmine he dreamed up. In fact, Remy never left the house. No one's quite sure how he paid his bills, or where all his food came from. These were all issues that were as mysterious as Remy.
Once in a while, Remy would get angry at this buzzing sound he often heard, and he could be seen looking through his blinds with binoculars. "That's Remy for you," people would say. Some will also tell you that Remy can fly, but it's usually only the really young and the really old who put any belief into that one. For some reason, no one ever really got used to Remy. People would stare at his house, wondering what was going on inside. Wondering why Remy left trails of crushed Fritos all over his lawn. It was only assumed that Remy left the trails... though no one ever saw him actually do it. People gave Remy odd looks, even though they never really saw him. Remy knew, though. Remy had X-Ray vision sometimes. One time, he left a note stuck to the grass in his yard with electrical tape. "Everyone knows that grass is made of eels. I can see through walls. Stop looking at me. Please. Signed Remy." From that point on, people tried to not stare directly at Remy's house.
Sometimes, people say they see lights on in Remy's house, but after so long, people think it's all just rumours, and old wives tales. No one ever really saw Remy to begin with, and today is no exception.