WHAT HAPPENED TO CHIP AND THE COOKIE CROOK?
June 15th 2005
what happened with the cookie crisp? these nickle sized, tiny chipped cookies used to be quarter sized saucers of chocolate chip delight. and this new mascot- a wolf? cookies and wolves, and not only that, its a wolf in a sweater. as if a body covered in fur werent hot enough, he's got clothes on and eats cookies all the time. i'd say something about him getting fat, but no one is going to get fat on these tiny cookies. he doesn't have a counter mascot, which makes him aimless.
the cookie crook had that cop, the wolf needs a little girl. a little blonde girl, and he's always making inappropriate sexual-innuendo, talking about "her cookies" and milk, among other things. finally, he cant take it any more, and has his way with her and eats cookie crisp out of her skull while animal control is beating the shit out of him- they have no choice but to put him down. rabidly, he flings himself at his attackers, his fur and sweater a sticky mass of blood and saliva that can only spill from the mouth of a madman- his chipped up claws swing...
BOOM!
the sudden thunder of a shotgun rips the wolf's body in half, leaving mangled remains in a heap of entrails and polluted blood. animal control recovers the body of the girl, and vigils are often held at the site of the incident. new laws are passed to help prevent this sort of atrocity from ever occurring again. the cookie crook is released from jail and given his old job back, and the cop, who is still undergoing therapy after having originally found the girl's remains, rejoins the world of cereal mascots on a provisional basis.
soon after, cookie crisp returns to its normal size. this whole incident really gets people thinking, and one by one, the classic cereals begin to revert to their original ways. trix gets rid of those awful watermelon and crazy berry flavours. lucky charms go back to actually having lucky charm shaped marshmellows. captain crunch writes a stunning article for the times, indicating the importance of cereal continuity, which incites a massive campaign and a march on washington dc. legislation is passed regarding the mutation of cereals and their marketing ploys, and the world evolves into a utopia, which lasts for 3053 years...