3 Paths in Life
sometime in 2002
I think I'll just go live in a tree. I'll be friends with birds, and monkeys, and scared cats. At least they would visit me, and I wouldn't feel like such an old hermit. I could jump from tree to tree, and eat apples and oranges. Oranges grow on trees, but strawberries don't, so I won't eat them. I'll never get scurvy, living in a tree. I could befriend the squirrels, too, and throw nuts and acorns at people. TAKE THAT, PEOPLE. I could live in a tree, and if I was rich, I would hide in the tree, so no one could see me, and then drop money periodically from way up high, and people would think that it was a money tree. Then me and the birds, scared cats, squirrels, and monkeys would laugh at them, and it would probably make the tv news. "Money Tree Miracle in Small Town." Suckers.
I could live in a box, which is kind of cool. Then I could be friends with the homeless people, drinking rotgut. Ah, to have a brown bottle with three X's on it. Whatever happened to those? We could tell war stories about wars we were never in, and compare newspaper shoe making techniques. Like trees, boxes are usually free, and they make pretty big boxes, so I could probably trade up to a tv box or something, and have a multi-roomed box. Then my homeless friends would visit me, and I wouldn't feel like such an old hermit. I would write "DO NOT PEE ON MY BOX" on my box, and then people would probably pee on it. That sucks. I would train Jethro to attack anyone who tried to pee on my box, and that would spin off a whole new urban legend. Then someone would probably make a movie about it, but it wouldn't make much in the box office. Suckers.
I could live on a train, and that would also be cool. I'd get to tour the country, and be friends with hobos. Singing hobos and Killing hobos alike. "Nothin' beats the Hobo life, killin' folks with my Hobo knife." How sweet would that be? I'd get a cool knapsack, and there'd be plenty of franks and beans to eat. My Hobo friends would always stop by my train-car, and I wouldn't feel like such an old hermit. Me and my Hobo friends could get into wacky adventures, and then have to run to the train just before it leaves. Of course, we'd make it in the knick of time, but just barely. Then, whoever was chasing us would have to give up, because the train sped off, and unless we were fleeing from the Flash, they wouldn't be able to keep up. then me and my Hobo friends, we'd cheer and hold our knapsacks up high. A week later, we'd do the same thing, only in a different town, and with a different plot, but basically the same thing. Then we'd be famous Hobos... someone would eventually make a TV show about it. HOBO ADVENTURES. Then it would probably be really successful, considering few people have any taste. Suckers.